If You're Trying to Suppress A Shopping Habit, Just Study At Home

I went to the Borders near my apartment the other day... because I wanted a nice sunny, big-windowed place to read for my Asian Lit class.  I finished reading one article, and then made a quick trip over to the ladies room... when I saw the section of every large chain bookstore that I always try to avoid:  Gifts for Readers.  Dude, I can get myself caught in this section, Venus Fly Trap-style.  I love these little gifts, and always have to resist spending $3 here and $5 there on ridiculous things I'll never use, like a set of two sombreros to put on the end of my pens.  Everytime I see this section, I end up having the same 2-minute long conversation with myself.

"Oh my gosh, Nania, this is hilarious. You must own it!"

"Nania, you don't need it."

"It's only $3!  And look at how awesome this sombrero would make my pens look! (*Place festive hat on $6 Literary Icon Pen, which I also want to purchase.*)

"Listen, it's only $3, but if you buy the sombrero and the Jane Austen pen, you're out $9.  That's a significant amount of money, especially for a grad student."

"You're right.  I could buy Jimmy Johns with that money." 

"See?  Food.  Food is an example of something on which UofM would want you to use your stipend money." 

"True.  You're right, Nania.  I'm sorry."

"Of course I'm right, Nania.  And it's ok."

I do this every time.  Every. Time.  I walk by this section and have to talk myself out of these purchases so that I don't nickel-and-dime myself into poverty.  But just so you all might suffer a bit with me....(cliched but very true: Shopper's misery loves company!)... here are some of the other funny little things I found in the "Little Boxed Gifts" sub-section of Borders: 

Therapist in a Box: Okay.  Imagine how much money this will save me in the long-run.  I mean, writers all end up seeing a shrink, right?  I know insurance covers it, but when you think about commuting time + gas + clothes for leaving the house.  This little guy is a long-term investment.  

 

Thumb Sumo:  If you turn the box around and see how cute these guys are in their over-stretched underwear... I'm getting the urge to go back to Borders this instant to purchase them!  You just pop them on your thumb and then bash your thumbs together... Makes for several seconds of guaranteed entertainment each day! 

Stewie's World Domination Kit: It comes with a guide book which includes step-by-step instructions written by Stewie himself... on how to plan a total world takeover.  And wouldn't having a genius baby around be very motivating and inspiring?  I mean, I can't buy it... but maybe you should... and then maybe come over and visit me in Ann Arbor?  I'm just saying. 

Executive Desk Gong:  Okay.  There's a story here.  Several years ago, my mom, my sister Eunia, and I were all in the kitchen.  My mom was making a huge vat of kimchee (korean side-dish) in a big silver bowl.  I mean, you could wash your Golden Retriever in this bowl.  And she has tons of them stored in our laundry room.  After she was done, she washed the bowl and put in back in the laundry room -- but then proceeded to step on the flimsy metallic cover of another large bowl.  When she lifted her foot.... the result was a very loud, very arresting "GONG" sound.  But the best part was... when we heard the GONG, my sister and I stood upright at full attention... as if we were being summoned back to the motherland.  For some Asians, it appears that a GONG is a very intuitive sound of leadership, organization, and attention.  Thus, I have to own this thing, right?  

Hello Kitty Little Letters Set:  I know, I know.  It's the Korean 9-year-old girl inside of me that still looks into Hello Kitty's beady little eyes and experiences a weird feeling of kinship.  Stereotypical, predictable... I know.  I'm sorry. 

The Dysfunctional Family Survival Kit:  Who knew??  They need a better advertising campaign because I'm pretty sure a lot of people would run out and buy this if they knew it existed.  I could've used this bad boy many-a-time.  Eunia, I say we go halvsies on this one.  

Finally, Gumby & Pokey:  Five words: BADASS. OLD. SCHOOL. MUST. OWN. 

*SIGH*

I'm going to end this post with a little bit of gravity.  Something made me really sad while I was at Borders.  Sorry if this bums anyone out... but I guess as people, we should be bummed every once in a while. It's healthy.  See below:

When you look at this photo, it just looks like your run-in-the-mill community board.  I love these things.  I immediately tore off one of the little slips from the "Yoga" sign (bottom left) and browsed want-ads, stuff for sale, and volunteer opportunities.  But if you look on the top right-hand corner, there is a kind of curious picture of an older man. 

 

Here's a close-up.  The sign reads: "HELP. MISSING. Roger Lowe.  Went missing around 10:30pm on August 15, 2010. Last seen in the Maple/Ellsworth Area, Ann Arbor, MI. Please call 911 if you have any information.  Come home dad, grandpa.  We love you, and we miss you."

I don't know the backstory here.  But I hope you're okay, Roger. And if you are, you have people at home who would plaster Ann Arbor in signs for you.  Not everyone has that, dude.  Go home. 

-NL